Turns out my drivers license has expired. Not only that but it turns out those non-TSA airport employees (who always seem to be wearing burgundy?) actually look at expiration dates! I had to go back to American and get a different ticket, which had big bold letters SSSSSSS on it. I think this translates to GOOD CHANCE THIS GUY IS A TERRORIST because when I went back to the security line I got to stand in my own area boxed off by those things that help people form lines. I stood there for about 15 minutes feeling pretty ridiculous. I could just hear the TSA calling the FBI,

TSA: “We caught a dangerous terrorist!”
FBI: “Great! Do you have him secured?”
TSA: “Yes, don’t worry, we put him in this box surrounded by those ropes they use to form lines at movie theaters. There is no way he can escape.”

Then a very nice man named “male assist” came and took me over to another area cordoned off by “security ropes.” It was here where I believe he got to “second base” with me although I can’t remember the base system exactly. Then another women unpacked all of my bags (I assume she must be “female assist”). The funny part was when she got to my Chinese tea in brown paper bags. She would open the bag, look in it, look up at me suspiciously, look back at the bag, then look back at me. This went on for several minutes. I just kept thinking “you think it is drugs and you want me to explain myself but there is no way I’m saying anything unless you ask.” I have a lot of experience dealing with long awkward silences so I outlasted her and she never ended up asking.

I have now made it to the gate (what a great way to start a red-eye). I highly recommend keeping your license up to date. I can’t imagine what that would have been like if it had been super busy. Yuck.

Update: Apparently my wife renewed the license but we never got the new one. I have a great thing going but sometimes it sound like the system breaks down.